Dad Points

We are boarding a plane from London to  New York. I have the Naan Bread strapped to my front with a muslin cloth strategically draped over his head to keep the fluorescent lighting at bay. An auntie-like air hostess (why is there no female equivalent of "avuncular"?) smiles warmly at me. "What a good daddy!" she says. "I don't know yet" I pathetically quip "we'll find out in 18 years". It's your typical lovely-plane-boarding interaction; all beaming smiles and excessive cheer to sweeten the pill of seven hours sat in a can. I hope I'm a good dad; who doesn't? But all I have done to merit the compliment is strap my baby to my chest. Isn't the bar set a little low?

The Mum Whose Head Expanded says she agrees with the hostess, but she is also a little bemused. She has the Naan Bread strapped to her a lot more often than I do and no-one has yet found that sufficient reason to compliment her on her parenting. This is an asymmetry that is turning out to be typical of learning to be a mum and dad. 

At least in the US and the UK we tend to think of ourselves as people who love mums (check out John Oliver's brilliant segment about Mother's Day for an exploration of this phenomenon) but this is nothing compared to the praise and affection lavished on a dad who shows any involvement whatsoever with their children. Mum is a basic need, her task unavoidable. If she fails her baby, it may die, but even if she is really impressive she is easily overlooked. If she tries to have a career, she runs the risk of trying to "have it all". Dad, whose right to a career was never in doubt, is a hero just for showing up. He is strong, he is busy, he has other things on his mind, BUT LOOK HE IS CUDDLING THE BABY!

Nothing sums up the situation as well as Spencer Rowell's photo-poster L'Enfant:

I guess historically we dads were too apt to carry on as though nothing much had changed with the birth of our children, leaving mum to do the hard work and treating the baby as an amusement at best and a problem to be solved at worst (think of Captain Von Trapp drilling his children to ensure maximum household efficiency). Compared to that, any hint of affection and involvement (and The Sound of Music is itself a great cultural example of the way we have come to value emotional investment from fathers) is bound to seem amazing. In short the bar is low, because we helped to set it in the first place!

Perhaps it's no great problem that dads receive such encouragement. I sure felt a glow after being cheer-led onto my flight, and parenting is worth encouraging. But presently this focus on dads comes at the expense of mums, who are seldom praised so highly.